We’ve experienced our share of loss in the last few months. Shortly before Christmas, my maternal grandmother passed away. In July, my paternal grandfather was admitted to hospital and subsequently passed away. And now my husband’s family is facing loss.
When I am faced with loss of a loved one, I go through what I expect are typical phases of responses. Through the illness and demise of the loved one, I experience strength. Holding others as they cry, sitting patiently besides the loved one’s hospital bed. I almost feel… Not numb, per se, but just like my personal feelings are shelved in the interest of being there for others. The funeral is when my tears typically flow, if only for a short moment of emotional release. After that, back to business as usual. But my thoughts, and my feelings, they stay under the surface, arising sporadically.
Two months after my Grandpa’s death, I find myself replaying his illness and death. Wondering if I failed him. I had my suspicions about his medical state. Would he still be with us if I had fought harder? Been more assertive? But at the same time, what quality of life did he have before he went into hospital? What quality of life would he have had if/when he got out of hospital?